Forgiveness Revisited

A few years ago I wrote up this post about what the Bible says of forgiveness. Last week I came across the original notes for that blog post.

At the time I admit I was desperate for answers. My life had taken a dark turn--my ex and I were in the midst of vindictive divorce proceeding after a lengthy separation, during the midst of which I had said and done things that were indeed shameful. I saw my daughter less than 8 hours a week and I felt deeply, deeply hurt and full of anger. Some nights would find me spewing rage-filled words at the walls of my bedroom, imagining that my ex was actually present and receiving her just desserts.

Hardly the charitable and forgiving attitude that Jesus calls us to.

It feels strange to me that one of my instincts at the time was to want to forgive. I actually became obsessed with learning how to. In some cases it was because I wanted to justify myself. After all, if my ex held enough against me to divorce me, then clearly I could be a better Christian than that. I wanted to be right in my stance, even going so far as to use forgiveness as a weapon to achieve that.

It was pure poison and I knew it. However, I also knew the rage and pain were just as poisonous. Somehow, the instinct to forgive was the right one despite all else I was forced to work through first. By the grace of God, the desire to forgive and to forgive in the right way has long since won out over any desire to justify myself over my ex or to condemn her.

Knowing Christ as champion sets one free to move beyond anger, hate, pain, and self-righteousness. Ultimately, all sin is a direct affront to His holiness, no matter who commits it. If one sins against me, they will have Christ to reckon with. If I sin against another, then I am under His judgment.

And He does not let sin pass (Heb. 10:29-31).

The beauty of this, however, is that Christ's sacrifice on the cross sets us free from this condemnation of sin (Rom. 6:23). Accepting Christ as one's savior and Lord also makes Him our advocate and our defender. If that is what we truly have, then we have a freedom above all other freedoms. We are free to endure affront with kindness and love because that matter is either under God's justice or under His grace. What's more, we are called to use that freedom to glorify God (1 Pe 2:16-17).

I have been told that forgiveness is ultimately for oneself. To some degree, forgiveness does benefit the forgiver. But even more important than that is how forgiveness removes the human-wrought aura of shame from the perpetrator. There are few greater testimonies we as human beings can give to the depths of Christ's love than to extinguish our shameful glances, our hurtful words, and our condemning silences. Not only did Christ endure pain and anguish on the cross; he also endured shame in our stead (Heb 12:2). By choosing to forgive, we model what Christ has done for us to that other person (1 Pe 2:21-24). For the person receiving that forgiveness, it removes the fear that confession will only result in condemnation. Forgiveness does not wait for repentance first; it lays repentance's foundation. It assures the perpetrator that God's grace is real and that it indeed has the power to destroy sin (2 Co 2:5-11).

So where does that leave things, three years later? Well, I had a lot of forgiving to do. I had to learn to forgive myself and learn to forgive my ex. Even now, I'm not really sure of the best way to tell her that I've forgiven her. Gone are the dark nights of rage, the sense of self-righteousness, or the feelings of victimhood. My hope now is for others, including my ex, to know the peace that I now do.

I pray that one day God will help me do so.