Life and Perelandra

I realized tonight that the whole world, both in general but particularly in the sphere of social interaction, feels to me like the surface of Perelandra.

Perelandra is the title of the second book in C.S. Lewis' space trilogy. It's also the name of the planet that Ransom is transported to.

Its surface is unlike anything on Earth. It's covered with vast, endless oceans, and any land masses are little more than giant lily pads floating on the surface of the water. They swing, bob, and undulate just as the waves of the ocean do, and while they are strong enough to support Ransom's weight, it takes quite a bit of practice (and a few bouts of sea-sickness)before he is able to walk on the surface without trouble.

Interacting with people, and for the most part, much of the world, feels to me like learning how to walk on Perelandra. It's alien. It's foreign. I don't adapt well to changing situations or unfamiliar situations--I even have an almost neurotic aversion to finding junk (read: rocks, toys, etc.) under my feet. If I can't have both my feet flat on the ground, my top-heavy nature takes advantage of me.

So much of my life has been living in a sort of manufactured Earth, so to speak, where everything is familiar and comfortable, even if detrimental. I'm comfortable when I'm alone in my thoughts, even though I despise the isolation. I'm comfortable when I can be given a task and just asked to do A, B, C, D, etc. and have it all spelled out, but then that simply makes me stagnant and unwilling to grow.

I've lived so long taking my cues from others and submitting to what they want because it is comfortable. I ride the ripples made by others' steps in this crazy world, choosing to drift along. In that place, there is a minimum of risk, a minimum of effort required, and a minimum of culpability. But there is also a minimum of freedom and a minimum of enjoyment.

Some of us seem to know how to suck the marrow from life, and I'm constantly amazed at how effortless it is for them. I'm one of those who has to really work at it, and I don't find it easy. Fear is the biggest obstacle. Not so much fear of being made a fool or making mistakes, but fear of being made a fool and making mistakes forever, that I'll always be naive in the way I behave around others or in trying new things.

I don't know how someone becomes comfortable with constant change. Is it that they don't see the islands the way I do, that they feel they are walking and running on solid rock, or is it that they have mastered the Perelandra step, and are wondering why yours truly can't compensate? If the latter, I am at a loss to understand why he has such difficulty.